Should’ve been me with you last night.

It always should’ve been me with everything up to this point. I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY FUCKING MIND! Still?!?! UGH!

Why the fuck does this shit still bother me? What the fuck do I have to do to make this go away? I’m so tired of holding on to you…

I want myself back :(

I drove home from the gym with the convertible top down on my Mustang. It was such a nice night to go for a stroll down Route 440 with the wind blowing through what little hair I have on my head right now. I happened to look up at the sky to see a relatively clear night, despite the forecast saying it would pour all day like it’s been doing practically all month. The breeze was so relaxing and calming. I loved it. I loved it so much, along with the first quarter moon that showed through the few clouds that plagued the sky. I felt almost in a trance while I drove and I stared deeply into the moon that I almost ran into the median. That would’ve sucked, haha, but thankfully I didn’t.

There was this feeling I felt. Something unexplainable. I don’t know what it was, but it felt like there was hope. Hope that I will be happy again, hope that things will turn around, hope that these clouds will finally leave my sky (metaphorically and physically), hope that I will find a change in my life. I can’t wait til I find out what this is. It could be something around the corner, it could be something a few months from now, even years from now, but whatever it is, I can’t wait for it. I know God has something in store for me, who knows though.

I’m not sure why, but I always happen to think of one particular person when I have nights like these. I don’t get it. And I know I have no right knowing what you’re up to or how you’re doing, but I would love to just sit down over a cup of coffee or lunch and just talk to you. Just talk. Nothing more, nothing less. I miss your presence and your essence; what makes you who you are. You’ll always have a special, soft spot in my heart. I know you’ll probably read this, and I know that it still means something to you, even if it’s something so minute. But I know it’s still there, just not strong enough to be seen. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again; my door’s always open. Kill me and tear me apart a bazillion times, you’ve always got me…and I don’t know why I let it happen.
I don’t understand my feelings at all, but all I know is that I care too much, waaaaaaaaay too much for my own good. That’s my downfall and it will probably lead to my demise, but that’s just what makes me who I am. So many things race through my head at these times that it usually gives me a headache of some sort. Then, I feel a sense of loneliness, and even though I’ve been lonely for so long, it still kind of hits me. I say I’m done with it, not going to give a shit about it, but I always get wrapped back into things. Silly me, feeling like a boomerang or a yo-yo, but that’s just me.

I know that there’s a place for me out there, as well as a woman out there. Who knows what life has in store for me. All I know is that this chapter needs to end so I can start a new one. I should be starting that chapter down in Quantico, VA with a few of my battle buddies that I used to train with and ready myself for Officer Candidate School. I miss you guys and I hope you’re showing off what Manhattan OSO has to offer, OORAH!

But all-in-all, I hope that there’s someone out there that’s just as eager to meet me as I am to meet her. Maybe I’ve already met her and I just don’t know it? Maybe I haven’t. Who knows. Only time will tell. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, even though I may hate not being able to control the reasons. Maybe something horrible will fall into my life to teach me a lesson, or maybe someone will fall back into my life to give me that second chance that I’ve been yearning for, or maybe I’ll finally find the one in someone new or someone old. I don’t know. I just won’t get my hopes up; that usually leads to disappointment.

That’s my rant for tonight. See? I told you that a million things run through my mind when I get lost in something so simple, like just staring at the sky, moon, stars, lights, the water down by the bay, or something where one can simply lose themselves in. I want to share these simple things with someone again. I used to be able to share that with her. Who knows, maybe she saw the night sky and somehow, somewhere she linked up with me through this imaginary tether. I’ll just leave it at that, so I don’t go deeper into critical thinking or critical analysis like I always do.

Anyways…I hope everyone is having a spectacular night :)